Chasing Brilliant Light: Hol(y)days are near...but for now, Advent.

Chasing Brilliant Light: Hol(y)days are near...but for now, Advent.: There's somethin' in the air! It must be the HOLLER-DAYS!! My favorite season is in full swing...the decorations are looking awesome (or dow...

Hol(y)days are near...but for now, Advent.

There's somethin' in the air! It must be the HOLLER-DAYS!! My favorite season is in full swing...the decorations are looking awesome (or downright tacky) and I am enjoying my hot hot coffee (after the hot hot summer when hot coffee was unbearable), it's a good feeling. 

Currently I am sick in the bed with the flu. Yesterday, I took the day off of work because of the icky feelings that accompany the flu and I think that was a first. I'm generally a healthy lady...just not over the past few days. A quick recovery would be helpful with being in the middle of finals and all. 

Oh my, what a crazy 6 months since I've last posted...

Old news, but Goood news: I received a promotion a couple months ago and it's been an enjoyable challenge so far. I moved from being a lowly customer service rep to being an Office Administrator. (eeek!) It's a great position to have while I am still in school but comes with a much larger workload so I have been a bit buried this semester.

School has been good, but as I keep going, I realize how much the senior-itis just continues to get worse. It really is a disease!! Once finals are done, I (to my knowledge) have 8 CLASSES left to finish!! EIGHT! eight! eight! eek! It makes life a bit more bearable to see that looming in the near future. :) One of my professors suggested last week that I should go right into Grad School, or at least take the GMAT right away - you should have seen the look on my face (or how I imagine the expression) - incredulous. I'm so ready to be done. 

I have also been learning a bit about time management, learning how to keep everything in order in its own place...and getting homework/quizzes/assignments in on time. Another challenge, a good one, it is really teaching me about how much I love and rely on lists and list-making. I even found myself making a list of things I need to do in the morning before work, putting it in my phone so that when I wake up, I won't press snooze. Oh, the troubles I go through to wake up in the morning. haha... But in all seriousness, it's been good to learn to balance work, homework, classes, downtime, friend-time...etc.  If you have any more ideas on what's helped you, feel free to share. :)

Through it all, I've come to have a greater appreciation for peace, silence and time of prayer. My favorite moments are those spent in adoration or with my journal - just reflecting on life and being able to sit in the presence of the One who really knows me. This advent I've especially been grateful for the times of peace and quiet I've had before the Lord. With the season, it has really just been a time to turn to Jesus and realize the mercy and love he has for all of us. My favorite advent song is Hear the Herald Voice Resounding (lyrics below) - it just brings to mind the eternal and everlasting peace and grace that Christ has for us - just waiting for our acceptance. I am an earthbound soul, hoping one day to "bound" into eternity, but for now, I live with Christ and count on him as my defender and the Light of my days. 

HEAR THE HERALD VOICE RESOUNDING:
Hear the herald voice resounding:
“Christ is near,” it seems to say,
Cast away the dreams of darkness,
Welcome Christ, the light of day!”


Wakened by this solemn warning,
Let the earthbound soul arise;
Christ her sun, all sloth dispelling,
Shines upon the morning skies.

See the Lamb so long expected,
Comes with pardon down from heav’n;
Hasten now, with tears of sorrow,
One and all to be forgiv’n.

So when next he comes with glory,
Shrouding all the earth in fear,
May he then as out defender
On the clouds of heav’n appear.

Have a lovely Advent and a Merry Christmas/New Years...etc. :) 

C-Bear

Annnnnnnnnnnd I'm baaaack!

After an almost year-long hiatus, I've decided to continue writing. It's good for me to process through writing, and I thought I might take this opportunity while I don't have other things (school) distracting me.

This year has been full of many surprises and disappointments. I spent a lot of time working and trying to manage an unmanageable schedule. It's not possible. I wouldn't recommend it.

I went back to school in the fall of 2011. Many days and nights of nervous energy led up to this moment, but it was time. After all that had happened working in UCO and meeting so many great people, I was excited to spread my wings and get some more experience in the business arena. It worked for a bit, but as much as I tried, I seemed to be sinking. Taking 16 credits in the first semester back and working 30+ hours per week was a ridiculous notion and one that I hope not to repeat.

School:
Being back at the daily grind of schoolwork was actually a lot of fun. I felt more ready for it than I had given myself credit. I am studying Business with a concentration in Human Resources. The amazing formation I received through UCO and my first couple years of school really prepared me well for this field and I am content with the area I am studying.

The most difficult part of the first year back was statistics. As much as I disliked the grades I was receiving in stat class, I liked the subject much more than economics or accounting. My professors just made the course really difficult. I am glad for that because I was challenged to think outside the box. One thing that particularly struck me was that it wasn't that I didn't understand the course, I just didn't have enough time to practice and study it. C'est la vie!

Group projects: the bane of my existence. If you've ever experienced this awful, tedious persecution you will have realized that although some people will experience this in their future careers, most of us don't have this exact experience in our work environments. I, for one, put forth the most effort in these classes and still felt a little burned by classmates who didn't complete their work. Some of the professors were to blame, but for the most part it was the people involved. Bogus, but whatevs...it's done for now.

Work:
For about 10 months, I worked at a hotel. For most of those months, I had no regular schedule. I started working the front desk, then would pick up some night shifts, then security, then maintenance and after awhile, I learned housekeeping and by default I needed to pick up a breakfast shift. In all of this, I learned (to some extent) each area of the hotel and at the same time, lost a bit of myself.  As a result, I spent most of the year exhausted, and I lost a lot of time that I could have spent with good friends. My life may have been a lot less stressful and I might have made more money somewhere else, but I learned something in all of it. I realized that while I have a heart for hospitality, I really don't want to work in a hotel. I might someday want to work in a B&B or do something crazy like that, but for the long-term, I know I can't waste that kind of time while there are soo many other jobs and opportunities that lead me outside of the confinement of four walls. I need a flexible, stable job and it was a useful lesson to learn through this experience.

In all of this I had a short stint at Beezy's, a local (and my own personal) favorite cafe/eatery in Ypsilanti. For about 5 months I was able to spend time in this lovely, life-giving shop and meet the people of Ypsi. I loved working here, but with the new job, I had to discontinue my time working here. I will still regularly frequent this place, but just on the other side of the counter :grin: Thank you to Bee, Erin, Joanna and all the other staff - you made my 2nd semester super!!

In June 2012, I interviewed for multiple positions and took a job as a receptionist at an auto body repair facility. I love this job - especially now that I understand most of what it entails. It has become comfortable and I think I mesh pretty well with my co-workers. What a relief to be in a different environment. I have my nights and weekends back and I feel more of myself. Just in time to start a new semester.

I have almost exactly six weeks until school begins again and in that time I will be working, taking a trip to Cedar Point, celebrating the marriages of a few friends and my parents 40th wedding anniversary at the end of August!

Enjoy this lovely and oh, so hot summer!

The Magic Thread...

* LONG POST THIS WEEK! This is a story I've been thinking about lately to remind me to be more thankful for what I have and where I am at - realizing that everyday is a gift. Thanks for reading! :) 

The Magic Thread

This is an excerpt from the Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett. 

Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually "happiness" in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile. "He that can have patience, can have what he will," Benjamin Franklin told us, and this French tale bears him out.

Once there was a widow who had a son called Peter. He was a strong, able boy, but he did not enjoy going to school and he was forever daydreaming.

"Peter, what are you dreaming about this time?" his teacher would say to him.

"I'm thinking about what I'll be when I grow up," Peter replied.

"Be patient. There's plenty of time for that. Being grown up isn't all fun, you know," his teacher said.

But Peter found it hard to enjoy whatever he was doing at the moment, and was always hankering after the next thing. In winter he longed for it to be summer again, and in summer he looked forward to the skating, sledging, and warm fires of winter. At school he would long for the day to be over so that he could go home, and on Sunday nights he would sigh, "If only the holidays would come." What he enjoyed most was playing with his friend Liese. She was as good a companion as any boy, and no matter how impatient Peter was, she never took offense. "When I grow up, I shall marry Liese," Peter said to himself.

Often he wandered through the forest, dreaming of the future. Sometimes he lay down on the soft forest floor in the warm sun, his hands behind his head, staring up at the sky through the distant treetops. One hot afternoon as he began to grow sleepy, he heard someone calling his name. He opened his eyes and sat up. Standing before him was an old woman. In her hand she held a silver ball, from which dangled a silken golden thread.

"See what I have got here, Peter," she said, offering the ball to him.

"What is it?" he asked curiously, touching the fine golden thread.

"This is your life thread," the old woman replied. "Do not touch it and time will pass normally. But if you wish time to pass more quickly, you have only to pull the thread a little way and an hour will pass like a second. But I warn you, once the thread has been pulled out, it cannot be pushed back in again. It will disappear like a puff of smoke. The ball is for you. But if you accept my gift you must tell no one, or on that very day you shall die. Now, say, do you want it?"

Peter seized the gift from her joyfully. It was just what he wanted. He examined the silver ball. It was light and solid, made of a single piece. The only flaw in it was the tiny hole from which the bright thread hung. He put the ball in his pocket and ran home. There, making sure that his mother was out, he examined it again. The thread seemed to be creeping very slowly out of the ball, so slowly that it was scarcely noticeable to the naked eye. He longed to give it a quick tug, but dared not do so. Not yet.

The following day at school, Peter sat daydreaming about what he would do with his magic thread. The teacher scolded him for not concentrating on his work. If only, he thought, it was time to go home. Then he felt the silver ball in his pocket. If he pulled out a tiny bit of thread, the day would be over. Very carefully he took hold of it and tugged. Suddenly the teacher was telling everyone to pack up their books and to leave the classroom in an orderly fashion. Peter was overjoyed. He ran all the way home. How easy life would be now! All his troubles were over. From that day forth he began to pull the thread, just a little, every day.

One day, however, it occurred to him that it was stupid to pull the thread just a little each day. If he gave it a harder tug, school would be over altogether. Then he could start learning a trade and marry Liese. So that night he gave the thread a hard tug, and in the morning he awoke to find himself apprenticed to a carpenter in town. He loved his new life, clambering about on roofs and scaffolding, lifting and hammering great beams into place that still smelled of the forest. But sometimes, when payday seemed too far off, he gave the thread a little tug and suddenly the week was drawing to a close and it was Friday night and he had money in his pocket.

Liese had also come to town and was living with her aunt, who taught her housekeeping. Peter began to grow impatient for the day when they would be married. It was hard to live so near and yet so far from her. He asked her when they could be married.

"In another year," she said. "Then I will have learned how to be a capable wife."

Peter fingered the silver ball in his pocket.

"Well, the time will pass quickly enough," he said, knowingly.

That night Peter could not sleep. He tossed and turned restlessly. He took the magic ball from under his pillow. For a moment he hesitated; then his impatience got the better of him, and he tugged at the golden thread. In the morning he awoke to find that the year was over and that 

Liese had at last agreed to marry him. Now Peter felt truly happy.

But before their wedding could take place, Peter received an official-looking letter. He opened it in trepidation and read that he was expected to report at the army barracks the following week for two years' military service. He showed the letter to Liese in despair.

"Well," she said, "there is nothing for it, we shall just have to wait. But the time will pass quickly, you'll see. There are so many things to do in preparation for our life together."

Peter smiled bravely, knowing that two years would seem a lifetime to him.

Once Peter had settled into life at the barracks, however, he began to feel that it wasn't so bad after all. He quite enjoyed being with all the other young men, and their duties were not very arduous at first. He remembered the old woman's warning to use the thread wisely and for a while refrained from pulling it. But in time he grew restless again. Army life bored him with its routine duties and harsh discipline. He began pulling the thread to make the week go faster so that it would be Sunday again, or to speed up the time until he was due for leave. And so the two years passed almost as if they had been a dream.

Back home, Peter determined not to pull the thread again until it was absolutely necessary. 

After all, this was the best time of his life, as everyone told him. He did not want it to be over too quickly. He did, however, give the thread one or two very small tugs, just to speed along the day of his marriage. He longed to tell Liese his secret, but he knew that if he did he would die.

On the day of his wedding, everyone, including Peter, was happy. He could hardly wait to show Liese the house he had built for her. At the wedding feast he glanced over at his mother. He noticed for the first time how gray her hair had grown recently. She seemed to be aging so quickly. Peter felt a pang of guilt that he had pulled the thread so often. Henceforward he would be much more sparing with it and only use it when it was strictly necessary.

A few months later Liese announced that she was going to have a child. Peter was overjoyed and could hardly wait. When the child was born, he felt that he could never want for anything again. But whenever the child was ill or cried through the sleepless night, he gave the thread a little tug, just so that the baby might be well and happy again.

Times were hard. Business was bad and a government had come to power that squeezed the people dry with taxes and would tolerate no opposition. Anyone who became known as a troublemaker was thrown into prison without trial and rumor was enough to condemn a man. 

Peter had always been known as one who spoke his mind, and very soon he was arrested and cast into jail. Luckily he had his magic ball with him and he tugged very hard at the thread. The prison walls dissolved before him and his enemies were scattered in the huge explosion that burst forth like thunder. It was the war that had been threatening, but it was over as quickly as a summer storm, leaving behind it an exhausted peace. Peter found himself back home with his family. But now he was a middle-aged man.

For a time things went well and Peter lived in relative contentment. One day he looked at his magic ball and saw to his surprise that the thread had turned from gold to silver. He looked in the mirror. His hair was starting to turn gray and his face was lined where before there had not been a wrinkle to be seen. He suddenly felt afraid and determined to use the thread even more carefully than before. Liese bore him more children and he seemed happy as the head of his growing household. His stately manner often made people think of him as some sort of benevolent ruler. He had an air of authority as if he held the fate of others in his hands. He kept his magic ball in a well-hidden place, safe from the curious eyes of his children, knowing that if anyone were to discover it, it would be fatal.

As the number of his children grew, so his house became more overcrowded. He would have to extend it, but for that he needed money. He had other worries too. His mother was looking older and more tired every day. It was of no use to pull the magic thread because that would only hasten her approaching death. All too soon she died, and as Peter stood at her graveside, he wondered how it was that life passed so quickly, even without pulling the magic thread.

One night as he lay in bed, kept awake by his worries, he thought how much easier life would be if all his children were grown up and launched upon their careers in life. He gave the thread a mighty tug, and the following day he awoke to find that his children had all left home for jobs in different parts of the country, and that he and his wife were alone. His hair was almost white now and often his back and limbs ached as he climbed the ladder or lifted a heavy beam into place. Liese too was getting old and she was often ill. He couldn't bear to see her suffer, so that more and more he resorted to pulling at the magic thread. But as soon as one trouble was solved, another seemed to grow in its place. Perhaps life would be easier if he retired, Peter thought. Then he would no longer have to clamber about on drafty, half-completed buildings and he could look after Liese when she was ill. The trouble was that he didn't have enough money to live on. He picked up his magic ball and looked at it. To his dismay he saw that the thread was no longer silver but gray and lusterless. He decided to go for a walk in the forest to think things over.

It was a long time since he had been in that part of the forest. The small saplings had all grown into tall fir trees, and it was hard to find the path he had once known. Eventually he came to a bench in a clearing. He sat down to rest and fell into a light doze. He was woken by someone calling his name, "Peter! Peter!"

He looked up and saw the old woman he had met so many years ago when she had given him the magic silver ball with its golden thread. She looked just as she had on that day, not a day older. She smiled at him.

"So, Peter, have you had a good life?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," Peter said. "Your magic ball is a wonderful thing. I have never had to suffer or wait for anything in my life. And yet it has all passed so quickly. I feel that I have had no time to take in what has happened to me, neither the good things nor the bad. Now there is so little time left. I dare not pull the thread again for it will only bring me to my death. I do not think your gift has brought me luck."

"How ungrateful you are!" the old woman said. "In what way would you have wished things to be different?"

"Perhaps if you had given me a different ball, one where I could have pushed the thread back in as well as pulling it out. Then I could have relived the things that went badly."

The old woman laughed. "You ask a great deal! Do you think that God allows us to live our lives twice over? But I can grant you one final wish, you foolish, demanding man."

"What is that?" Peter asked.

"Choose," the old woman said. Peter thought hard.

At length he said, "I should like to live my life again as if for the first time, but without your magic ball. Then I will experience the bad things as well as the good without cutting them short, and at least my life will not pass as swiftly and meaninglessly as a daydream."

"So be it," said the old woman. "Give me back my ball."

She stretched out her hand and Peter placed the silver ball in it. Then he sat back and closed his eyes with exhaustion.

When he awoke he was in his own bed. His youthful mother was bending over him, shaking him gently.

"Wake up, Peter. You will be late for school. You were sleeping like the dead!"

He looked up at her in surprise and relief.

"I've had a terrible dream, Mother. I dreamed that I was old and sick and that my life had passed like the blinking of an eye with nothing to show for it. Not even any memories."

His mother laughed and shook her head.

"That will never happen," she said. "Memories are the one thing we all have, even when we are old. Now hurry and get dressed. Liese is waiting for you and you will be late for school."

As Peter walked to school with Liese, he noticed what a bright summer morning it was, the kind of morning when it felt good to be alive. Soon he would see his friends and classmates, and even the prospect of lessons didn't seem so bad. In fact he could hardly wait.

The End.

*PTL* for Transitions!

I know it's well into the Fall season and some of these thoughts were written earlier this summer, but I thought I'd give a bit of an update on what's happening in my life. Enjoy!

Being in transition mode is stinky. This summer I processed through many transitions - most especially finding a job and re-entering the world of education. I'm "in it to win it", "going for the gold" - but sometimes it's not always fun. Everyone has different experiences, and these are some thoughts I had while fighting through a challenging summer...

Why do transitions take so much out of us? I mean, everyone is different, but most people by this point in life have some kind of educational degree, maybe are married or having kids - and I am not in either of these positions. My half-degree doesn't count for much, I have two years left of school, but a lot of "life-experience". In the world's eye, I look pretty lame (sometimes I feel pretty lame too), but I know there is a purpose and plan behind all of this.

In Philippians 4:13, Paul writes, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I have found power and the will to keep on through these words. Sometimes I want to give up easily. I am a person who enjoys getting things done and seeing the final product. I think God is teaching me patience through all of this...or something. :)

Here are some things I have learned about myself in the past three years:

• I am not as extroverted as I thought I was...
• I always thought that I would be the type of person who could just keep on moving/working/going...etc. I have learned the value of taking a few steps back and enjoying things as they come. 
• In the midst of everything, I have become a bit of an introvert...maybe not totally, but there are days (especially most recently) where I get to 3pm and realize that I haven't uttered a word to anyone - and I'm ok with that.  Many of my high school or early-days college friends might be surprised by this, but this has really changed in me. I cannot go on forever expecting to not need sleep, prayer, food, or life-giving silence. I need all of these and am allowing myself the time to receive them now.

• I have come to appreciate the benefits of a good "spiritual" read.
• There are so many great books I have discovered while working for UCO. Some of these include:
• The Path of Loneliness by Elizabeth Elliot 
• I am currently re-reading this and getting so much out of it - what a great book!
• I Believe in Love: A Personal Retreat Based on the Teaching of St. Therese of Liseux
• The Hidden Power of Kindness by Lawrence Lovasik
• Desiring God by John Piper
• God's Smuggler by Brother Andrew
• The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
• Through the Gates of Splendor by Elizabeth Elliot (and anything else by her too...) :)
• The Bible (Especially the books of Isaiah, Colossians, Psalms & Genesis) 
• This is always a good book (duh!), but I actually came to enjoy it quite a bit. All the ways I have been comforted, loved, renewed and uplifted can be attributed to a good time of Bible study and scripture meditation. This book has changed my life.

• I have a strong appreciation for friendships that continue to stay strong and even grow sometimes when we can't always find time to communicate!
• I have a couple of friendships in which we can go months without speaking and then just pick up where we left off. The time apart allows us to learn new things about ourselves, save up really great stories and just have time to impart wisdom to each other. 
• I enjoy some of the most blessed relationships and when scattered across the country/world, I really love being able to use the power of the internet - Skype, Facebook, Google-chat, and of course, the trusty ol' phone have become my wonderful connections to the outside world. Thank God that I was born in the age of technology!!

• Investing in relationships that are short-term are totally worth it. 
• This past year, more than any other, I have gotten to know so many students and friends with whom I have grown, changed, learned and developed. I would not replace these relationships for the world! In many ways, I have become more of who I think God wants me to be because of these. I have invested whole-heartedly and I appreciate all the things I have learned from these relationships.
• Sometimes, I think that when we invest, it should be in something that is sustainable. I believe this is actually a very natural thought. We don't want to invest in something or someone who will be taken away from us (whether it be because of short-term service, change of school/location, need to return home, moving for a job...etc). 
• I have learned that investing in these exact types of people and situations, I developed personally and was given so much! I have given a lot as well, but upon reflection, I feel I was the one who received the most blessing.

...So that's what's been on my mind for the past few months. Currently, I am working at a local hotel and studying Business at Eastern Michigan. I officially received word that I am on the right track for graduation in May 2013! YAY! I am so excited to get to that point!! In the meantime, you can find me studying, drinking coffee, working, listening to Josh Garrels, aiming for Heaven, becoming a Godmother for the 3rd time, dining with friends (on the rare night off), attempting a semblance of a social life, dreaming of traveling, and exploring options for grad school!

Au Revoir!

*PTL equates to "Praise the Lord!!"

I am my Beloved's...

It has been awhile, but the Lord has continued to work in me! Keep reading...

Have you ever watched an hourglass sand timer? If you watch one of these for long enough, you realize that each grain of sand makes a difference. Each speck changes the dynamic of the whole group and moves it downward through the minuscule hole into the greater portion of the hourglass. Our lives are very similar. Each action we make changes the dynamic of the whole group - whether it be in our families, our work environments, our service situations, our relationships...all these things are affected by the way we live. The choices we make touch every part of our being - not only us, but people we encounter.

Realization of the Day:
Song of Solomon 6:3 states, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine". First and foremost. He calls me to be His own, to share in His plan of creation by my everyday acknowledgement that I am His.  Before the beginning of the world, before the sunlight gave it's rays to the earth, I belonged to God. Everything I do should be for Love of Him. He knows me completely and wholeheartedly. He set before me a plan that has been taking decades to fulfill. Yes, decades (and probably even more). Like, seriously, if people hadn't make the choices and decisions that they did before I came onto earth, I wouldn't be here. We wouldn't have the life we have unless someone had made a choice. My choices are now shaping the future of my life and for those who will come after me. Every little word can make a difference. Are we thinking about what we say, how we act, who we might be touching before we speak?

Are the day to day issues, actions and thoughts really something that can change the forever after? YES!!

When I was little (can't remember the exact age- but probably around 9 or 10), I said "Yes!" to the Lord, and every couple years since then I have renewed my "Yes". Now, I come to find and believe that it is really an everyday response that I need to give. I need to declare my firm and steadfast "Yes!" These come through my daily actions - in work, fun, relationships, struggles, prayer...my answer is what the Lord wants from me. Not my over-committed schedule or taxing myself on work or growing in anxiety for the things to come...although my schedule and work have a place in my life, they shouldn't be at the forefront of what God wants to do in me. He wants my obedience. He wants my complete abandon!

His need for me is that I claim myself as His! Confusing? Let me restate it - I need to have the vulnerability to say, "Father, I am yours. Do with me what you will." From here he has the ability to take every joy, every sorrow, every action or hardship and make it completely beautiful.

A couple weeks ago, a friend shared with me something that her priest had shared with her. He said, "The model of obedience is Christ crucified. But look past the cross to the Resurrection - because the Fruit of Obedience is the Resurrection." (Fr. Anthony Strauss)

As we are focusing on the passion of Christ during these 40 days, let's continue to look to the cross as our model, but know that there is life and joy and mercy in the Resurrection!

I Lift My Eyes to the Hills...

Recently, I have been reflecting on the Psalms. Well, I guess it's not all that recent. I began incorporating a Psalm into my daily prayer in August at UCO's Campus Outreach Academy. Over the past couple years I found myself going back and meditating on these significantly wonderful scripture passages and recognized that I needed to add these into my daily prayer. Every time I flip open to this section of the Bible, I find what I need to hear - I am refreshed and oftentimes I am also challenged.

The past few weeks have brought some major highs and some lows, but I have found consistency and grace in my little daily meditations.  These highs and lows haven't been emotional - far from it - just some bumps in the road. :) I just realized that I am becoming more stable in the Lord (and in my life/calling) and His words to me. These psalms are deeply personal and deeply moving...constantly pushing me to turn my face back to Him, cast my worries on Him, grow in Love with Him, Find my Joy in Him, Set my cares aside and Focus on Him - lift my eyes to the mountains instead of turning into myself.

Some examples:

Highs: Spending time with my niece (she is so ridiculously cute!), talking to my nephews on the phone, catching up with old friends, shopping for bridesmaids gowns (yes, that's plural) for upcoming weddings, chilling/laughing with friends, experiencing an amazing Kairos Winter Conference, experiencing deep prayer & meditation, turning in my application for school next year...etc.

Lows: The stomach flu (for about 3-4 days), finding my car with another dent in it (Ann Arbor drivers...) lol, my best friend moving away (miss you S!), and crazy cold & snowy days (in case you didn't know, I'm not a fan)...

These are just some things that have gone on. Am I totally distraught? No! What's the point?! I actually hadn't even noticed that the sun hadn't been out in a few weeks until someone pointed it out to me that we were experiencing the first sunny day in awhile. I am not allowing winter to get the better of me. I made a choice. I will focus on the joys, not the pains and go from there. I guess it's worked.

In turning away from my immediate desires (like wanting to be annoyed that it's January and not July) and lifting my focus to Him, my joy has grown. Do you ever find yourself laughing so hard that it brings tears to your eyes? This happens to me often (ask the people who hang out with me) - it's almost become a weekly occurrence.  I find joy in the little things, in the big things and in the things that other people don't always find funny (this can be dangerous...haha). I laugh when no one else is laughing; I even laugh at myself (fancy that!). I often begin a waterfall of laughter - I'm sorry people, but it's just hard not to laugh when someone else is laughing - it's contagious! Joy is a wonderful thing. If you have this gift - don't hide it!! People need to see, experience & feel more joy in their lives. Smile! It can change a person's day (cheesy, I know, but it's true)!

So back to the Psalms - I highly encourage anyone who has not incorporated this into your prayer to begin today. There is always something new to learn and enjoy in these! Here is a beginning:

Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber; 
indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.

Some of my thoughts from this Psalm are:
1. Stop looking at you - Start looking to Him!
2. Maker of Heaven and Earth - he created everything - including those gray sky days that you dislike - start embracing even the little creations that bless the earth and our lives.
3. He watches over us - why worry? Seriously - this adds stress, wrinkles (not the good kind), and unnecessary anxiety to our lives - cut it!!
4. He watches my coming and going - I am resolving to try to glorify Him in all of my activities. I might fail - I often do, but I know that I have someone watching over my every move. It's awesome!
5. My God always was, always is and always will be. He's seen our everyday crap in probably about a billion other people (this doesn't justify it), so pick yourself up and keep going!

Shout Out!! To my girlfriends who have been amazing and I am so excited to have the opportunities to hang out with them - even if it's just watching American Idol or their kids :), watching movies (L. - Our recent Disney escapades have led to some awesome conversations!), having coffee/lunch/dinner.  Real conversations with my mom and sisters have really built me up recently as well.   I really love talking with them whenever I get the chance. It's been great to be able to hear about their lives and what's going on - in school, work, with kids, without kids, in prayer...etc. I love hearing it all - keep it coming ladies! Your encouragement, prayer, love, example, care and thoughtfulness have really blessed me recently!! Thank you!

P.S. My Ugly Thursday Ladies (you know who you are) - you will always hold a special place in my life. Thank you for still welcoming me in, even after weeks of non-attendance...I am truly grateful for your perseverance. This tradition should continue for years to come!  :)

Let me end by saying it's just a great time of life where anything is possible, and many things are up in the air.  The Lord is my shield, protection, sufficiency and my future. Only he knows what will happen and where I will end up, but I am His and He is mine. That's enough for me to continue my growth in becoming more like the woman I was created to be.

Happy Thursday!
C-Bear

Trust

I have been learning a lot about this topic lately: Trust. It's a word that gets thrown into phrases we hear often, "In God we Trust", "Love all, but trust a few", "Trust your heart", "Trust in the Lord"...and many more. I believe the last one resonates with me in the deepest way. It is a lesson I have been learning from a very early age and will continue to learn until I die.

The free dictionary describes Trust as confident expectation of something, hope. It is the reliance of strength, surety, confidence in someone or something. I have always considered myself to be a pretty trusting person. One who is trustworthy and one who trusts others easily. Because of these things, I have been hurt and loved in some very strong ways. I have experienced relationships and blessings because of it. The life I live is a committed one because of my trust in the Lord.

I have hope for the future, for things unseen, for what God has for me. A scripture that I was focusing on back in August has come back into my mind. It's from Proverbs 21:1, "The king's heart is like a stream of water directed by the Lord; he guides it wherever he pleases." 

In focusing on this passage, I believe the Lord wants me to become more like this stream. To be totally functional, but at the same time embrace the fluidity of the call he has on my life. Everyday is a new adventure, a new chance to choose for something differently, a new chapter being opened - and how will I respond?

Trust.

There is no other explanation for me. There is nothing else to say except that without trust, I will never be able to move forward or process what happened backward. I need to trust, to give myself wholly and allow HIM who is before all things to do the rest. 

This week is a bit of a busy one with Winter Conference, Kairos Women's Mission Director Training, and my best friend moving, it makes for a full week. But through all of this, the Lord wants me. All of me. From the very depths of my soul and spirit, I need to turn to Him and be open to his mercy and grace.

With confidence, peace and hope, I set my foot forward and wait for His guidance and will to be done. Amen!

C-Bear

Family...

Thanksgiving Day:
I spent my Thanksgiving with my dad's family - most of his 13 brothers and sisters (he is the oldest of 14) were present at our Thanksgiving Day dinner, and I was just so amazed at how many people have blessed my life. There were so many generations of adults, kids and their (even younger) kids...all gathered to give thanks and celebrate the gift of each other. There were MANY people squished (comfortably of course) into my Aunt Mary and Uncle Paul's house today. We had a great many turkeys and hams to go around, along with all the fixin's. :) We also witnessed a hilarious spectacle of a Christmas Gift exchange where my Aunt Monica voted that we "steal the crap" out of the presents that were passed around. All the kids got their own gifts and the adults spent about an hour or so trading the various gifts until all were happy with the outcome.

This is not uncommon for the Cherniawski's on Thanksgiving, and although it's been a few years since we've had such a tremendous celebration together. This year it was welcomed with the same love and care that has always blessed me as I was a child, and a teenager, and now as a young adult, I appreciate it all the more. Thank you to all my family who made this year particularly memorable.

My Grandmother: Laura Betty
(affectionately known to her grand kids as "G-Ma")
This week my family will be celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday.  Not that I am old, but from an early age, I remember looking up to my grandma as someone to aspire to. She didn't accomplish the "normal" things in life like many other people, she never finished college, she was never wealthy (monetarily), but she is someone who has spunk and generosity. She was and still is always very open to sharing what she has - it might not be a lot, but if she has something, it's yours. Often she will share a game of scrabble or cards with anyone who is willing to play. And then proceed to beat them at whatever game is before them...but that's besides the point. ;) She also raised fourteen beautiful kids who are all amazing in their own ways.

She is also a woman of faith - I am often amazed at her faithfulness after all she has been through in her life. Then I realize that it is because of her faith that she was able to make it through those things, and not just give up on life, but keep trekking through. She is a woman who is a leader to many, but a quiet, humble one. I will be happy to become half the woman she is. Thank you Grandma for all of your love and support. Happy Birthday!

Well Wishes:
To everyone reading, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend full of celebration and love of friends and family! Be happy, celebratory, joyful and peaceful!

C-Bear

Known

I have recently...or not so recently discovered a new favorite musical artist. Now, as a person who owns a ridiculous amount of music (you don't even want to know the amounts I have spent on i-Tunes), this is a dangerous, but also thought-provoking thing. I seem to "go through" music quite quickly. I will buy a song, listen to it for a few weeks, then discard it for awhile until I decide to pick it up again and listen to it - and the sequence begins again.

I have done this with many artists - mostly main streaming musical geniuses - who come up with sometimes beautiful (and mostly just catchy) music that grabs my attention and keeps it for a bit. Every once in awhile I will keep an artist  or two that I rarely get sick of...such as Jimmy Eat World, Ray LaMontagne, Alanis Morisette, and Ryan Adams...just to name a few. I have found another!!  But she's not from the "normal" hemisphere of music that attracts my attention...but from the Christian music scene.

Crazy as it may seem to some, there are a few artists out there who are Christian and can make good music. It seems to be a rarity in my life that I actually enjoy ALL of the music from one artist, but for now, I have been blessed and found just that. Not only have I enjoyed this artists music, but her sense of the Lord is magnificent. She seems to get at the heart of many things that are going on in my life...not only musically (through the instruments), but lyrically as well.

I tend to be one of those people who cannot listen to the music and not hear the words - actually the words of most songs scream at me - whether good or bad. I don't know if this is because I just enjoy words and the way people form sentences...especially in music, or if it's the way I was raised with my mother being particularly fond of and talented in the musical sector of life? In other words, it speaks to me.

So, getting down to the nitty-gritty:
The name of the artist is Audrey Assad - I don't know too much about her background except that she is somehow friends with my friend Andrea, who initiated this musical relationship with my soul. Thank you Andrea!!

I have been so blessed over the past four months, seriously going to her album and just playing it whenever. I have played it for some of the women I meet with, for girls on retreat, for whoever wants to listen because it's just that awesome. She has a sound similar to Ingrid Michaelson or Joni Mitchell, but has very strong, beautiful analogies in her music.  Here's a sample of some of the picturesque lyrics that have really touched my soul:

Known by Audrey Assad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the dew falls on the blade
You have touched all this fragile frame
And as a mother knows her baby's face
You know me, You know me

As the summer air within my chest
I have breathed You deep down into my breast
And as You know the hairs upon my head
Every thought and every word I've said
Every thought and every word I've said


Refrain:
Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me

Oh, and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
Oh, You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
This is how it is with You and I
Oh, this is how it is with You and I

From the fall of my heart to the resurrection of my soul
You know me, God, and You know my ways
In my rising and my sitting down
You see me as I am, oh, see me as I am

And as a lover knows his beloved's heart
All the shapes and curves of her even in the dark
Oh, You have formed one in my inward parts
And You know me, You know me, yes

Savior, You, You have known me as I am
Oh, healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This song has particularly been touching my heart I think because the Lord wants this of me. It has also directly correlated with many of the things I have been hearing at various functions through work and my community. Such as on Friday I attended a prayer meeting with over 100 college students - we packed out a church in downtown Ann Arbor, MI - and we just praised the Lord and heard truth! One of the things the speaker was talking about was seeing God as a PERSON, not an idea. And I thought about that for awhile.


"Am I seeing God as an idea rather than a person to hold a conversation with? Am I treating God as an object to talk to or am I allowing him to speak to me while I listen? Am I allowing the Lord into every area of my life or am I controlling some and only giving over what I know will work? Am I allowing the Lord to know me freely, or am I closing him out of some of the most formational years of my life?"


As these questions ran through my head, I realized that I try to allow the Lord to speak to me, but only when I want him to. This would include times of daily prayer. Times I have set aside in my day to look to God for guidance, wisdom, grace and anything else he wants to throw my way. But other than these "planned" times, I don't always allow the Lord to speak to me. I don't freely ask him into my daily activities and schedule. I sometimes plain ignore him...and I know that needs to change. 


Being the person who is in control of their own life is not what God wants for me (or honestly, for anyone). If I am to fully call myself a follower, a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ, I need to also allow myself to be led by him. Not in just the times I want, but in the times I need and in the times that are going well. The Lord is calling to me and I am just beginning to answer this call - and seeing how stubborn I really am, it's gonna take awhile. 


The bottom line is: I want to be known by the King of Kings and I want him to know me. I want to be open with him and him with me. I want to do whatever he wants me to do - because that's true love. When I can look to Him and see the beautiful plan he has for me and say, "Yes!" with a resounding voice, and I will know that I have at least accomplished that which he has set before me now: the ability to see myself as he sees me. Beautiful, grace-filled and his Daughter.


Thanks for keeping with me this far - it was a long post today, but it's how life goes. :)


C-Bear